What have I done the last two weeks! Procrastination's revenge

Stupid procrastination! It's now after 10 pm, and i am sitting at home finishing the stupid project I should have finished days ago, only I didn't do anything until yesterday because I was busy procrastinating, or masturbating, to maintain continuity among posts. There's a lesson to be learned here, and I've gotten it loud and clear: I'm an idiot.

Procrastination

Right now I am procrastinating finishing my final project for the Shitsville 2006 summer internship. The concept of procrastination reminds me of a quote that a good friend from college once made (it's probably not an original quote, but still). "Procrastination is like masturbation. It's a lot of fun until you realize you're just fucking yourself in the end." Makes sense to me...

Thank you Danny for that quote.

What is so sexy about the MBA?

Channel Stuffing (1), Boning (2), and Wrongful Discharge (3). Enough said.

1. Inflating sales figures by forcing more products through a distribution channel than the channel is capable of selling.
2. Charging more for an asset than it’s worth.
3. The firing of an employee for arbitrary or unfair reasons.

How to Make Safety Training Fun...

Make sure the guy conducting the training has a wicked thick new england accent. Who knew that fire retaaaaaaaahdent material could be so interesting? Definitely not a pissah!

Costanza in Ohio...

The Jerk Store called, and they're overflowing with Cincinnati Bengals fans! Check out their jerk line...

Have you seen my stapler??

My mental state is no longer assuredly intact. How else can you explain the game I've been playing all summer?

I have a stapler in my cube. On this stapler stands a quarter (in between the base and the bottom of the protruding stapler tip). Around my second week here, my mind wandered, and when it returned, it came up with the idea to see how long I can keep this quarter standing in its same place. It stayed untouched for 4 weeks before another intern (not in the know about my game) removed the quarter and started playing with the stapler. After my death stare, he returned the quarter to its original position, and the game restarted. Three weeks later, another intern and another death stare. It's remained untouched for about 5 days now. The prospect of it standing undisturbed the rest of my time here genuinely excites me...and if somebody else removes it again, i might just snap.

What the hell's wrong with me?

No Complaints

Contrary to my stated purpose for this blog, I'm not always a bitter bastard. After comparing my two managers at this God-foresaken internship, I feel relieved and refreshed...maybe even energized! Well, that part isn't true. I only get that true jolt of excitement from anything that rhymes with secks or boaling.

Therefore, I end this post with an off-color joke that I definitely did NOT make up. What's the worst part of eating vegetables? The wheelchair. (I know, I hear hell is nice this time of year). It's probably worse that I repeated the joke. Oh well, you read the Jerk Store disclaimer.

Old Boss vs. New Boss: A tale of the tape

I figure the best way to compare my old boss with my new boss is to stack them up side by side.
Below is a subjective comparison of the two. You decide which one is better...

Alias (to protect anonymity) V J Favorite thing to do… Tell me what he needs done, leave me alone to do it Blame first, not apologize later. Wears… Fancy metro garb, rocks the chest hair (Miami Vice) Wranglers (giddy up!) Points at my computer screen with… Finger chewed up coffee stirrer Most annoying pattern Forgets I'm there Won't forget I'm there. Then he'll visit my cube and point at my screen with his chewed up stirrer straw. All I can do is watch the saliva threaten to fall off onto my desk. My Nickname for… Pimp Douche Drives BMW Z4 Murano (his wife probably made him buy it) Nicest thing said to me "I made the right choice hiring you." "It's nice to meet you, my name is J" If I designed his license plates… PMPVICE SMLBLZ Likely favorite hobby outside work… Being a bad-ass Roping cattle and harassing city folk Actor most likely to portray on screen… Jamie Foxx Himself (as seen on the hit show COPS)